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“A lot of Santa portrayers say they started out when they answered a spiritual calling,” said Santa Steve of the North. “But for me, putting on the red suit for the first time was a financial decision. I was a young father working as a printing press operator back in 1985, and needed a little extra part-time work that would help me pay for Christmas. I saw an ad hiring Santas to appear at various locations around the Twin Cities. I thought that would fit nicely with my community theater background, so I gave them a call and got hired.

I understand the principles of natural selection just fine. Still, it is hard to accept that the guinea pig wasn’t designed for the sole purpose of eliciting adulation. The little creature’s high-pitched warbles, baked potato physique, inquisitive black marble eyes and big goofy nose make it look less like a rodent and more like a CGI addition to a kid’s movie developed around toy sales.