Scientists debate just how long ago people started keeping pets. Some argue that baby animals have been adopted since the dawn of humanity, only to be released when they got too big and bitey to pet. Other scientists argue that we only began keeping pets as recently as 1983, but they are not very well-respected.One thing is certain, however: Pets are good. It’s always nice to have a living thing happy to see you when you come home, or, in the case of fish, a living thing. This article is a brief guide to pets. After reading it, you may arrive at an informed opinion of which animal friend is right for you. Anything is possible.

Dog

Dogs are descended from wolves. Whereas one is a ravenous, noisy, and nearly uncontrollable brute, wolves still live in the wild. Dogs are known for having a very poor sense of time, and accordingly will believe you have abandoned them forever, even if you have only gone to get your mail. They are known for going insane with relief upon their master’s return, unless they have engaged some piece of upholstered furniture for distraction during the hiatus. In these instances, dogs go insane with guilt upon their master’s return. A dog is a guilty creature in general, and would confess to faking the moon landing if it could be questioned about it for five minutes.

Cat

Unlike dogs, cats are incapable of feeling guilt at all. In this sense, they are firm believers of karma: If they do something bad to you, it’s probably because you deserved it. Although some people claim that cats are impassionate about their owners, this is not true. Cats often display affection by depositing small dead things around the house for people to find, and also by making certain shelves are always clear of fragile, priceless clutter. Cats have given their name to the expression “cat nap,” which is not very fitting because a nap ceases to be so after 17 hours. If you would like to train your cat, look in your local library for a book on magic.

Parrot

Parrots are highly intelligent birds, oftentimes even more so than many people because they can learn to speak in complete sentences. Because they can repeat anything they hear, parrots are frequently used as witnesses at trials. If you intend to commit a crime around a parrot, first make sure you can trust it, or at the very least have some damaging information about it so you can blackmail it into staying quiet. Parrots are known for living a very long time. If you would like for your pet parrot to live as long as you, consider getting one about ten years before you were born.

Hamster

Hamsters were originally introduced as pets as a joke, but the factories that make clear plastic balls kept that fact a secret once their profits started skyrocketing. Hamsters are able to store large quantities of substances in their cheek pouches, which is why they must be given special, tiny pat-downs before they board airplanes. Plan your travel arrangements accordingly. If you would like to save money on a new hamster, considering adopting one for free — the New York City Subway is known for its healthy population of long, evil-smelling hamsters that you can go and freely choose from.

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By David Scheller