Minnesota is a cruel experiment to see both how hot and how cold a place can be in a year. It’s the microwave macaroni and cheese of the United States, frozen around the edges but like molten lava in the middle. I’ll tell you how to stay warm when it’s relevant, like during our ten month long winter, but right now it’s August, it’s hot, and you need my special tips about how to beat the heat.
The Pocket Ice Method
I like to run, but when I lived in Florida it was hard to do it there. In addition to the constant fear of alligators, brown recluse spiders, and getting run over by people who couldn’t see over the steering wheel, the heat was unbearable. But I’m really, really smart, so I realized that I could actually fill the pockets of my running shorts with ice cubes before a run. They’d melt, giving me their power as I sprinted down the beach Rocky III style. Do this technique even when you’re not running and you’ll always stay frosty. You’ll be a big hit at the bar, too! When you see someone’s drink is out of ice, just suavely drop some of your pocket ice in there. They will like that you did that.
The Beer Method
Beer was invented by pirates to help make the Caribbean heat more tolerable while they were sailing around and looking for things to ruin. Many people today don’t know that beer is still useful, though! What you do is this: Drink, like, 50 cold beers in a half hour. The coolness will be so relaxing that you probably won’t even remember the heat that day, and as a bonus the resulting coma will carry you right through to the fall. That’s light jacket weather — the best kind of weather!
The Dog Method
Did you know that when dogs pant they’re not just showing off? That’s right, it’s their way of sweating, because if they sweat like normal people their fur would get all wet and gross. That means if you have a dog, staying cool in the summer is as simple as carrying him around over your head everywhere you go. This will block the sun out, because dogs are opaque, and he won’t mind because he can pant plus he’ll have a great view while he’s helping you. As a bonus, feed your dog extra, widening him for maximum sun blockage. But don’t forget to hit the gym so you can hold that much more dog! (Note to the boys: Ladies love dogs, so this method is ideal for getting dates.)
Do you have your own tips on how to beat the heat, too? That’s great! Please send your tips along with your name, age, home address, social security number, and confessions to any crimes you have committed in the past 20 years to our official tip page at tips.fbi.gov. The winner with the best tip will receive a free Shop.Dine.Live. bumper sticker!*
*Offer not valid in the Western Hemisphere.
By David Scheller