There are things at the Minnesota State Fair that I can’t do without and need to see every year. I love the haunted house and expect to be invited into it by a man dressed as a pirate. I have to look at the perplexing coil-shaped machines that automatically deep fry little donuts. I need the wonders of the goat barn and can’t wait to lose myself in a whirlpool of throaty bleats there. The State Fair is the lighthouse around which we Minnesotans navigate through our year.

But without innovation what would life be? It would be more horrible than the time my wife poured my whole liquor cabinet down the drain just because I crashed her Camry into a bus stop. That’s why I love that the Fair always has new fun to accompany the cherished classics. Let me tell you about some of the new things at the Fair this year.

If you’re like 95% of Midwesterners you’re probably wondering at any given time what you can cram into your fat face next. Here are some this year’s more interesting new Fair Foods:

Candied Bacon Donut Sliders: If you want donuts and bacon but don’t have time to eat two things, the Fair’s miles ahead of you. Candied bacon donut sliders look as good as they sound. Your arteries will just look at one another and shake their heads!

Sheep Dog: If you want a sheep dog but you’re too tired to go to the Fair’s Pet Center, roam on over and get a hot dog made from real lamb. Doesn’t sound baaaaaad, does it? I’m sure the people who came up with it are going to make a mint!

Reuben Pickle Dog: If you don’t eat a Reuben pickle dog at the Fair this year then I’m afraid you can’t be helped.

But did you know that there’s more to life than just food? There is! Here are some new things at the Fair that you can’t eat:

Hen House: Located in the Miracle of Birth Center, the Hen House is a place to meet living examples of the thousands of birds you’re already eaten. I’m going to ask a hen for three Bucks.

Selfie Spots: Located at five places throughout the fairgrounds, these official Selfie Spots are just one example of why God doesn’t talk to us anymore.

Garden Kaleidoscopes & Floral-palooza: The good folks at the Agricultural Horticulture Building will set up kaleidoscopes around spinning bowls of live flowers. No joke, this is really neat and I like it.

In with the old and the new, I say! If you see a confused looking man-eating Spam sushi and attempting to converse with poultry at the Fair this year, please leave me alone. I’ll be in my zone.

 

By David Scheller